Lent

Lent is here.  Lent is here and I’m a Catholic.  Lent is here, I’m a Catholic, and now I’m sort of required to give something up for 40 days.  You see we Catholics have a strange tradition in that the 40 days (not including Sundays – Don’t ask, it’s something to do with the early Church policy of burning anyone good in math, just ask Galileo) before Easter we give up something important to us in order to reflect on the sacrifice we believe Jesus made for all humanity a few days before Easter.  Don’t worry this isn’t a theology blog, you just might need some background.  Every year Catholics suffer with a mid-year New Year’s Resolution type crisis; what to give up.  You see we’re torn in two different directions; we want to give up something that we won’t miss so we can say we did it, but we also can’t get off too easy or our Catholic-guilt will get us for taking the easy way out.  Now I’m sure eternal salvation of the soul should be motivation enough, but man is it hard to pass up a free donut when you gave up sweets.  So every year the thought process goes something like this: 

Ugh, Lent is here already.  I need to give up something…hmmmm.  What did I give up last year…oh yeah, goat cheese.  Don’t think I can get away with that two years running…hmmm.  What about fennel?  Is fennel in a lot of stuff I like to eat?  No, won’t work, I’m not sure I know what fennel is?  Plant or seed or something?  What about cake?  No good, The Misses’ birthday is during Lent.  There’s got to be something…

Yeah I go through this every year.  And for the last few years it has been even harder.  You see the Misses has gotten involved, so now I have a Lenten Sacrifice Gatekeeper with veto power.  “You can’t give up talking on the phone to your Aunt Wendy, that doesn’t count.  She doesn’t like you anyway, pick something else.”

When I was in college I used to give up meat (all meat except fish) for the full 40 days.  That was tough, but I managed.  Growing up in South Louisiana there was always good seafood to be found, and in a pinch peanut butter and jelly ain’t that bad.  For the last few years I’ve gone in the totally opposite direction.  The added pounds of a slower metabolism led me to only eat meat for 40 days (strict Adkins introduction phase diet for all of Lent).  Truth-be-told meat only is harder than no meat at all.  But I drop some pounds and get a few day pass from Purgatory, win-win.  I planed to “meat-only” again this year.  Then I got the bad news.

Just before Lent I received results from some blood work I had done.  Elevated cholesterol and blood pressure.  Not enough to panic over, but something that bears watching.  The Misses read the results and decided to use her Lenten veto.  A 40 day exclusive diet of fatty meat and grease galore was not a good idea given the test results.  So back to the drawing board I go.

I needed to get creative, I needed to get serious, and I needed to hurry.  Lent was only days away and unless I thought of something quick The Misses would have to pick for me, and I didn’t want that.  Finally it hit me.  This year I will try and give up weight.  Yep, you heard right, gross tonnage (pun intended).  Admittedly it’s unorthodox, but it might be just crazy enough to work.

First I need a diet.  But it can’t be overly restrictive or I’ll never make it through.  So I’ll invent one on my own.  I’m a smart guy I’ve seen the food pyramid, I know the evils of chocolate cake, how tough can it be?  So this is what I’ll do, no fried stuff (good start).  I can have red meat or pork no more that twice a week.  Focus on grilled or baked chicken and fish.  More vegetables and fruits (that’s easy, every number is more than zero).  And for God’s sake (pun again) eat less, aka smaller portions.  Then all the obvious things, no candy, sweets, Cokes, all of that stuff.  Good.  Simple.  Done.

Now I need a workout routine.  Remember it’s got to be simple and easy enough that I will actually “do” it.  That eliminates just about all of the realistic and proven methodologies.  I don’t want to involve myself with anything that a professional trainer would approve of, that wouldn’t be in the proper spirit.  Luckily, I live in the internet age, where anyone with a crack-pot idea and a keyboard can post his crazy ideas to the world (i.e. this blog).  So it’s to these people I turned, and read, and searched for an interesting, low impact method of losing tons of weight.  I interviewed a number of plans, with a number of promises.  Finally I settled on a semi-reputable scheme with a stormy name, Turbulence Training.  Oooh, that sounds scary, the pounds with get thrashed right off of me.  I went with this one for a few reasons:  1) He has a book.  This will help sell it to The Misses.  2)  He only requires me to workout three times a week and for less than an hour.  That’s it, three times a week.  YES!  I think you can smoke while you work out, it’s just that simple.  3)  No diet.  Now you know he must be reputable.  But this way I won’t feel bad when I slip up and steal a cookie from my children, because technically I’m not breaking the “system”.

I know you are sitting at home/work/in traffic or wherever you read this blog thinking, “I want to know how this all works out.”  Well never fear.  I promise updates.  I’m even going to post some before and after pictures and occasional workout updates over the next few months.  By Easter Sunday I expect to be in fighting shape.  This is gonna rock!

On a completely unrelated note, does anyone remember the name of A-Rod’s personal trainer?  I might need a “B-12” injection or two.